Monday, January 5, 2009

Getting IF out in the open...

When we initially found out we were not going to have a child without 'help' we kept it to ourselves. It was pretty tough at first - we were scared to death about the money, the time, and if we would ever have a baby and all the stress & anxiety that goes along with not knowing something so BIG in your life.

At first my wife didn't want to tell anyone - it took some convincing to get an agreement to tell her parents. Once we did, I think a small weight was lifted off our shoulders - sort of like a cheerleading section. It still felt like there was a ton of weight up there but it was noticeably better.

Then at good times we ended up telling our siblings, close friends, etc. Neither of us are good at keeping secrets so it was bound to happen. I don't tell anyone else but when my wife feels like it she does - it doesn't bother me. I would rather have people thinking about us and being in our corner then constantly having to come up with different answers to "So, when are you going to start a family?" It gets really old - fast.

So, I'm curious what other's philosophies are on this - what they did, what they plan to do, etc.

My vote is to do what makes you feel better - and I would leave it ultimately up to the one who is actually Fertility Challenged. (we like that term better)

Update on us: Just keeping the fingers crossed. My wife has a blood test for progesterone levels on Wed. and then she can take a HPT a week later.


  1. Fingers crossed for Jenny on Weds. Having tried for over 2yrs without asking for any help (until last month), its always been left up to me to 'explain' why I am not yet pregnant. Personally I dont care who knows because at the end of the day, its nothing to be ashamed about. We never asked for something so 'natural' to be so complicated.

  2. I was fine with telling people. After all it wasn't as if I had a communicable disease. Plus I thought that it would remove the "when are you going to have children" question.

    My husband on the other hand was less than agreeable to tell ANYONE. His mother didn't know we were having trouble until we lost our last baby. Now that everyone knows however its not "that big of a deal" Its almost as if the elephant is finally out of the closet...

  3. I think this is an interesting question. I was and am pretty open about the IF stuff, the IVF's etc. I have also always been very open about being an SMC and using donor sperm for the most part.

    The thing that changed me was the losses, those caused me to stop telling many where I was in the process. It also stopped me telling when I got pregnant beyond one friend really. I had an experience when pregnant once with the neighbors being very excited when I told them all after seeing the heartbeat and then a week later having a loss and having to tell them all, that soon, about it just SUCKED. So that altered me more than anything.

    I am also one who doesn't do secrets well and is a very open person so I found the whole process made me a hermit more than ever before. It was easier to avoid people then to not say what was going on.

  4. I told people but my honey K has barely told anyone. Looking back I wish I didn't tell so many people. I hate answering the question, are you pregnant yet? I had to tell the people close to me here at work because when you are the one at the doctor all the time you need work to understand. Otherwise I wish I didn't tell family or a few of the friends I told. I thought it would have made me feel better but all it did is made it so I have to update a ton of people every step and my process hasn't been smooth. I'll say I didn't know when I told people I would have the issues I've had, but I still wish people didn't know.

    That's my 2 cents for what it's worth. I hope your wife's bloodwork comes back good and I hope you 2 are getting through your first TWW (two week wait) with little stress. My fingers are crossed for you!

  5. We were pretty open from the beginning. We had been trying naturally for about 2 years when we sought help from an RE. I found that being open about it let people feel comfortable enough to ask questions...and I really enjoy talking about our experiences, both good and bad. My aunt and uncle recently asked us alot of questions and just yesterday, my aunt told me she was so glad that we were open about things because she now has a better appreciation for what we went through and how special this child really is.

    But everyone has to do what feels right for them. For us, it was telling our story and allowing the questions to come.

  6. Definately. Whatever makes the two of you feel best. Sending positive thoughts your way.

  7. I agree that it's up to the Fertility Challenged to decide about how/who you'll tell. I've done both extremes (oversharing during the first three IUIs, keeping it a secret during the next five), and neither one quite works for me. Still trying to figure it out, almost two years in.

    Will be thinking good thoughts for you two during this TWW. That's interesting that she'll have progesterone checked mid TWW... seems like a great way to make sure that everything is progressing correctly. Good luck!

  8. Hi, here from L&F. I hope all goes well with your first IUI.

    My husband and I are open to a degree about our issues. Many people know that we saw a specialist and many know that we had a loss before that but I don't tell anyone about our tests or treatments. It was easier for me to tell people we were having trouble because it stopped a lot of the comments and questions and for me a lot of baby shower invites (woo hoo)!

    Good luck with this cycle!